Sixteen years ago today, I miscarried our third baby--the baby that came between Anne and Molly. Sam or Grace...I can't know this side of heaven...was due the day after Anne's first birthday.
Two babies 12 months apart would've been hectic, especially since Nathan and Anne were already only 16 months apart. As it turned out, once Molly came along, I still had three babies in 36 months. That kept me plenty busy.
I used to cry every time I recalled this day. Grief and questions were a thick fog, clouding my view of God's goodness and grace. I've never been good at accepting what I don't understand, and as far as I could tell, God had no good reason for letting my baby die. He certainly had nothing to say for himself on the matter.
Over the years, though, the hurt healed and the fog lifted. Not all at once and certainly not in the crystal clear explanation I craved, I came to accept what seemed trite at first, but later became the truest truth: that this world is broken, but God is good, so he redeems it all.
Every last bit of brokenness, he will, through Christ, redeem.
That must keep him plenty busy.
This year, when I remembered the 16-year anniversary, I teared up again--not in grief for a life lost, but in love and thanks for the child I gained. Had Sam or Grace not passed away, I wouldn't have my Molly, and I cannot imagine this world without her creativity and humor and talent and beauty and intelligence and strength and kindness and sass. I love her so much, and I know the Lord will use her in big ways, for his glory.
Today, I remember that I'm a mother of four, with a sweet reunion in store. I remember that someday, the fog will lift completely, because "now I see only a reflection as in a mirror; then I shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully" (1 Corinthians 13:12). Today, I remember that this world is broken, but God is good, so he redeems it all.
I remember that he has invited me to join him in his redeeming work in this broken world.
And that will keep me plenty busy.